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Beany Brain #42: Perfect at Perfectionism

Author

Abigail Munday
May 21, 2025

Beany Brain: loving our jumping-bean brains!

Welcome to this issue of the Beany Brain! I hope today’s newsletter will bounce us up as we contemplate the upsides and challenges of being neurodivergent, a little beauty, some creativity, and just general yeehawesomeness.

Table of Contents

Photo by Abigail Munday

Perfectionism and Neurodivergencies

My brain is wired differently, and one of the ways I cope with not understanding the world or myself is perfectionism.

Even my Beany Brain newsletter.

Even this post.

I will read it and edit it and reread it about 5 million times before I will publish it for you folks. And after I hit publish and it’s fledged out into the world, I worry about how it will be received and if I said something inflammatory or mean or inappropriate or dumb.

If you have been diagnosed with ADHD, you may be struggling with perfectionism. Or, if you are a perfectionist, you may have undiagnosed ADHD.

It is not uncommon for neurodivergent people to be perfectionists, and vice versa.

Ahhhhhh. I’m not alone in this.

Here’s an interview with 9-year-old Saffron and her parents (from 2017).

(PLEASE watch. Saffron is charming and quirky and absolutely delightful. It’s only about 9 minutes long, and the way they filmed it and added cute touches of animation was great.)

Meet Saffron: inside the colourful mind of a girl with autism - video

Saffron is 9. When she received her diagnosis her mother Sam thought the doctors were describing an extraordinary child rather than someone with a disability.

www.theguardian.com/global/video/2017/jun/14/when-saffron-opens-her-world-its-amazing-video

Saffron’s dad:

Saffron will sometimes tear herself apart about not doing something perfectly. She might have had all sorts of fantastic things happen to her that day, but this one little thing that didn’t work, then that’s how she thinks about that day.

Saffron’s mother:

She woke up one morning and said she had a nightmare that she was neurotypical.

(That totally cracked me up.)

Saffron:

Most unautistic people I like, but I just don’t think I’d quite like to have their brain. Just why?

I can relate to Saffron in many ways: the perfectionism, the rumination, the frustration with getting a jingle stuck in my head, the creativity and imagination (though I’m not as talkative as she is—my imagination is mostly jostling around inside my noggin).

(I cannot relate to the trampolining—it just gives me a headache.)

Back to the Life Skills Advocate article. Here’s a succinct and helpful definition of perfectionism:

In its simplest form, perfectionism can be described as a tendency to set excessively high standards or strive for unreasonable levels of achievement. However, perfectionism is often much more complex than that.

For many people, perfectionism is chronic procrastination. It is setting unrealistic goals and then beating yourself up when you don’t meet them. It is being your own worst critic. It is never feeling like you are good enough.

Raise your hand if you relate.

(My hand is in the air.)

And this:

People with ADHD are more likely to set unrealistic standards for themselves and to have an all-or-nothing attitude towards their goals. They’re also more likely to be highly critical of their own performance and to beat themselves up over their mistakes.

This can lead to task paralysis—if you have to be perfect to start something, then how can you start?

This helped me breathe a bit better this week:

Wild + Free had something good to share too:

The article suggests these ideas:

  1. Be gentle with yourself.

  2. Try to focus on the process and not the outcome.

  3. Cut yourself some slack.

  4. Don't compare yourself to others.

  5. Prioritize what’s important (use the Eisenhower Matrix).

  1. Set realistic goals.

  2. Write down reminders.

  3. Investigate your imposter syndrome.

Fortunately, there are a few things you can do to begin managing your imposter syndrome.Try to catch yourself when you start doubting your abilities. Acknowledge the thought, but then remind yourself of your accomplishments (no matter how small they may seem).

  1. Be open to feedback.

  2. Seek professional help.

  3. Read Beany Brain! Share Beany Brain!

(What the heck happened? That last one just jumped in there.)

Photo by Abigail Munday

BBC Sounds Beyond Lonely Podcast, Episode 5/5

Professor Jason Arday, autistic man and professor of the sociology of education at Cambridge, finished his Beyond Lonely podcast with expressing a wish to make peace with solitude and loneliness.

English professor Amelia Worsley, and occupational therapist and founder of the Marmalade Trust, Amy Perrin, both said that loneliness is different than solitude.

Amy Perrin says that solitude is important and it can be beautiful.

Amelia Worsley quotes the poet Ocean Vong:

Remember, loneliness is still time spent with the world.

Professor Arday also interviewed Rachel Denton, a Catholic hermit living in the UK. She enjoys her solitude with God, and says this in a BBC article:

She describes the life of hermitage as "one of becoming ever more sensitive to God-in-this-place. Which might involve appreciating the loveliness of a flower, or the dance of the light through a window, or the still-life of a mundane object suddenly striking in its random beauty. Or more likely, the meticulous job of recycling waste items, or weeding the raspberry canes."

One thing Rachel Denton and I have in common is “litter picking” (as she calls it in British parlance) and “picking up trash” as I American-ly call it. She really enjoys her hermitage (a former council house in Cambridge), and she walks around saying thank you all the time for ordinary things like watching snooker or spending time with her dog. Rachel Denton looks for and finds beauty in everything.

Professor Arday says:

Loneliness can be enjoyed and in equal measure abused.

He wants to be more aware of how he’s living: Am I lonely? Am I happy?

Here are my main takeaways from these 5 episodes:

  1. Loneliness and solitude are different things.

  2. You can enjoy your own company. It’s OK.

  3. Do frequent self-check-ins. How am I feeling? What do I need?

  4. It’s not shameful to ask for help or to reach out to friends or to potential friends.

  5. I am not alone. You are not alone.

Beany Friends, go forth and enjoy solitude and deal with loneliness if you need to and be at peace.

Photo by Abigail Munday

Yeehawesome!

Yeehawesome! is a happy-brain roundup in each issue of Beany Brain. What’s happening that’s good in brain land? What’s bringing me joy?

  1. Looking at Mary Sumner naive art before I go to bed at night. It helps me calm down and rest. (Another greatly-soothing one is @sarahbowmanartist on Instagram.)

  2. Kiran Young Wimberly and the McGrath Family Celtic Psalms on Spotify as I’m getting ready in the morning.

  3. All the ethnically-diverse shops I’m finding in High Wycombe as I wait for my son during his exams. One of my favorite foods so far from there is kuli-kuli, a Nigerian peanut-salty-chili-ginger-sugar crunchy baked snack. Absolutely yeehawesome for the taste buds.

Photo by Abigail Munday

Beany Brownie Points and Extra Bonus Funniness

@amii.illustrates

Wonderful Wednesday

Wonderful Wednesday was a day once a year in college when they would suddenly and surprisingly call off all classes and we’d play all day. The cafeteria provided special fun food and we’d do stuff outside like slip ‘n slides and jello wrestling in sumo suits. This segment of Beany Brain is dedicated to that memory of silliness and fun—no words, just a photo from the week that I’ve taken or found that reminds me to let the joy in. Since Beany Brain is published on Wednesday every week (at least, Wednesday in Japan), I hope you enjoy this Wonderful Wednesday.

Photo by Abigail Munday

Today’s Beany-full Summary:

  • Perfectionism and neurodivergencies tend to go hand in hand. Please be kind and gentle with yourself.

  • It’s important to be aware that solitude and loneliness are different. Check in with yourself: Are you feeling lonely? What can you do about it right now? We’re not alone.

  • Go forth in Beany joy. What will help you feel yeehawesome this week?

Thank you for reading this installment of Beany Brain! You’re very welcome to hop on by any old time.

If you’re enjoying Beany Brain, please share with a friend or seventeen at www.beanybrain.com. Cheers big time!